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{ Fernando Torres of Chelsea challenges Martin Skrtel of Liverpool. Photograph: Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images Peep!!! Chelsea start half No2. "At least you found your bottle at half-time, be interesting to see if most of the Chelsea side can match your efforts ..." writes Iain Paterson.

The half-time match stats make ugly reading, but they some things up fairly well.

Half-time email dept.

"John, I'm concerned - you do know that plastic degrades?" begins Amir Adhamy. "Three years is an awful long time to be using the same water bottle. I wouldn't want you consume micro-globules or decaying polymer or particles of sub-atomic plastics, such a thing would surely undo the benefits of your drinking 1.5 litre minimum of water daily. I just want the best for you." Don't worry it's some sort of metal.

"Had no idea that Luxembergo had invented one of the key precepts of scientology," notes Matt Loren. "As I understand it, the sci-fi swallowing nutters understand the 'Magic Triangle'* to be the balance between 'Understanding', 'Communication' and their application to 'Reality'. Frankly, that sounds a good way to run a football team."

*PLEASE NOTE: Not all magic shapes were invented by Vanderlei Luxemburgo

Oh, hang on. It's on the side over there.

It's gone! The water bottle is gone! To the perpetrator of this heinous crime, listen and understand. I can't be bargained with. I can't be reasoned with. I don't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And I absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Peep! Marriner brings a close to a largely underwhelming half of football.

45 min: Cech and Ivanovic scream at each other furiously after some mis-communication almost sees the ball squirt away from the keeper.

44 min: I can't really concentrate on the footy as I fear I may have left my water bottle of three years in the toilet. Half-time can't come soon enough.

43 min: "That Rodriguez effort has got to be one of the worst misses in football since Danielle Lloyd," writes @BillChilton on Twitter. Ba-dum tish! Chelsea waste another decent set-piece opportunity, Drogba offering Lampard a nightmare of a pass.

41 min: Gerrard, Agger, Johnson, Maxi, Gerrard, Johnson … and headed clear by Terry. To be honest, Liverpool have probably put together the more cohesive attacks thus far.

40 min: Having done well to mug Maxi for the ball, Anelka and Essien again contrive to ruin a perfectly good attacking opportunity.

38 min: The anonymous Anelka allows another pass to go astray. Seconds later Essien has his pocket picked by Gerrard. Those two have been very poor for Chelsea thus far.

36 min: Both keepers are punting more often than a river-loving Oxbridge student. And, like the loan of said student, it's not paid off yet.

35 min: … again Ivanovic gets his head to it, again it's wide. Agger doing enough to deny the Serbian a clear header. "When Roderick Stewart was talking about using technology to police the powerplay, I hope he was thinking of cattle prods," writes James Galloway.

34 min: Bosingwa scurries down the right to win a corner. This has really picked up in the last few minutes …

32 min: IS THIS THE MISS OF THE SEASON? THE DECADE? THE CENTURY? No, but it's a bad 'un. Gerrard drills the ball across goal and Maxi is clear, two yards out, Cech nowhere, the goal gaping. He sidefoots … against the bar. What a let-off that was, and what a miss.

31 min: Torres raises pulses by grabbing a yard of space inside the box. Carragher makes a fine block on his erstwhile colleague. Again it was the result of a Liverpool error, Lucas losing out to Drogba in midfield.

29 min: … scrambled by Chelsea. And then again. And then a Chelsea break fizzles out. It's not going out on a limb to say this has been pretty dire so far.

28 min: "Since formations seem to be so important," writes Roderick Stewart, "why don't FIFA take a leaf out of the cricket book and introduce a Powerplay, where both teams have to play 2-3-5 for the last 15 minutes of each half? They could use technology to police it." Essien slips and Liverpool break. Gerrard gets to the byline and wins a corner …

27 min: … and flicked wide by Ivanovic. Decent effort that.

26 min: … glanced away by Lucas for a Chelsea corner …

25 min: Torres's jugular has an unexpected meeting with Daniel Agger's forearm. Dangerous free-kick this …

24 min: Cech looks long for Drogba, Carragher tidies up nicely. Reina follows suit looking for Kuyt, but it's straight through to his opposite number.

23 min: Skrtel returns to the fray and seems to be moving freely enough. Kyrgiakos stops jogging up and down the touchline and retakes his seat on the bench.

22 min: "Re: Luxembergo's The Magic Rectangle," begins Philip Podolsky. "On the one occasion that formation came against a proper opposition, it saw Real's back four isolated and exposed against the formidable attacking tridente of Ronaldinho, Eto'o and Messi, ending with R10 giving the performance of his life and Luxo getting the sack a couple of games later. Just saying."

21 min: Cole is picked out beautifully by Lampard and Skrtel does well to prod the left-back's cross away. The defender looks like he may have strained a thigh muscle in doing so, however.

20 min: Torres is crowded out by four defenders as he attempts to spin himself some space in the area. Twenty minutes gone, and we've only had the one shot at goal thus far.

19 min: … cleared as far as Kelly and overhit through to Cech by Glen Johnson. Still, it's fairly even, which, when you think of the state Liverpool were in not all that long ago, is sign of progress for the Reds.

18 min: Shocking pass from Cole goes straight to Carragher and he puts Kuyt away down the right. Cross cleared for a corner …

16 min: Sheesh! Another close shave of Liverpool's own making. Skrtel dillies and dallies, dallies and dillies on the edge of his own area and almost gets his pocket pinched by the onrushing Anelka.

15 min: Drogba finds a soupçon of space 30 yards out. Lampard breaks beyond him but the Ivorian can only larrups his shot into his team-mate.

13 min: Reina hoofs a clearance out of play for a Chelsea throw on the edge of their own area. Liverpool looking to be pretty direct so far.

12 min: Johnson tries to surge inside from the left-flank, but Chelsea have plenty of bodies back. And at the other end Torres is caught offside.

10 min: Here's @honigstein on Twitter: "Very interested to see Liverpool play with three at the back. last team I saw doing that were Bayern under Klinsmann. quickly abandoned. Lahm said "three at the back always ends up at five at the back" at the time." Anelka, in the trequartista role, rumbles forward but the attack quickly peters out.

9 min: Scrappy, shapeless stuff so far. Neither side are even close to settling.

8 min: " Didn't Luxembergo at Real Madrid pioneer a 4-2-2-2 formation that was nicknamed The Magic Rectangle?" notes Ryan Dunne. "Now that would be an Indy-worthy artefact." Or possibly Harry Potter-worthy. Poor header from Mikel, but Kelly clumps his high ball over Kuyt's head and through to Cech.

6 min: A few whistles and jeers from the away end as Torres gets on the ball, but it's hardly a deafening wall of noise. Diouf's reception at Ibrox from Celtic fans much more vitriolic.

4 min: "Hey! That picture of Carragher looks like one of those pig guards at Jabba's palace in Star Wars," notes James Galloway. "Hmmm. Who does that make Jabba? And is fresh-faced Fernando Luke Skywalker? I for one would not like to see John Terry in a princess Leia-style bikini." There's a lot going on there, but I'm sure we can all agreee with the last point.

3 min: Gerrard tries to get Johnson clear down the left, but Ivanovic shuts the door. And the Liverpool wing back then lumps a cross miles over the top of the players in the box.

2 min: Horrible pass from Maxi hands the ball to Torres 50 yards from goal. He moves forward threateningly, but can only skew his shot well over the bar. What a start that would've been.

1 min: Quick feet from Gerrard draws a challenge 30 seconds in, and Mikel heads into the referee's book. Andre Marriner carefully carves a rod and places it firmly on his own back. Nothing comes from the set piece.

Peep! The visitors, kicking from left to right, get things underway.

ADVERTS, ADVERTS, ADVERTS … Buy a car, go and see some terrible film with Pegg and that other bloke, buy some expensive electronic equipment that you don't really need, buy a Ben Affleck DVD from Asda, change your home insurance, buy another car, do some banking …

Click-clack, click-clack … John Terry and Steven Gerrard lead out their sides at Stamford Bridge. Torres, having warmly greeted some of his old team-mates in the tunnel, is among the last out.

And talking of tactics is the Ancelotti Diamond going to be met with the Dalglish Pear? The Liverpool manager played a kind of 3-4-2-1 in midweek. (Can't really see Indy charging round Italy looking for the Dalglish Pear. Possibly eating one, I suppose.)

Jamie Redknapp has just agreed with himself on Sky. "Torres's effort has been 'diabolical' at times, according to you," says David Jones. "Well, yes, I agree …" begins Redknapp.

Pre-match email dept. "Strictly speaking those thirty articles were not talking either, unless they had a built-in read aloud widget (there's probably an app for that)," writes Robin Hazlehurst. "So it is more that the time for word-based metaphorical talking is over and for non-word-based metaphorical talking to start. Or literally talking and literally talking if you mean it in the literally football-pundit-based sense of the word. Does that help?" Yes. And no.

"Does this Liverpool formation do anything but confirm the lack of thought that went in to signing Andy Carroll?" writes Luke Stevenson. "As they have absolutely no width to speak of, bar (ahem) Glen Johnson."

So does that mean a return to the Ancelotti diamond? With Anelka at the attacking tip? Ah, the Ancelotti diamond. Sounds like the sort of the thing young Indiana Jones might have been searching for in 1920s Tuscany.

The teams are in:

The Team With Torres: Cech; Bosingwa, Ivanovic, Terry, Cole; Mikel; Essien, Lampard; Torres, Drogba, Anelka. Subs: Turnbull, Paulo Ferreira, David Luiz, McEachran, Sala, Malouda, Kalou.
The Team Without Torres: Reina; Carragher, Skrtel, Agger, Kelly; Johnson, Gerrard, Lucas, Maxi; Meireles; Kuyt. Subs: Gulacsi, Aurelio, Suarez, Jovanovic, Kyrgiakos, Ngog, Poulsen.

So Suárez isn't considered ready to start despite impressing in midweek. Torres, as expected, starts for the Team With Torres. Very, very interesting to see how those two line-ups dovetail.

Afternoon all. How big is this then? Yesterday's results mean Chelsea can see a sliver of hope in the title race once more. Victory for Liverpool and would the words "Champions League place" begin to imprint themselves on optimistic Liverpudlian minds? Chelsea have won three on the bounce, Liverpool likewise. These are two teams hitting their stride.

There's also the trifling side issue of Fernando Torres's Chelsea debut. What is there left to say about El Niño's £50m move to Stamford Bridge? We've had 30-odd pieces over the past week alone, which, it's probably safe to say, have covered most of the main issues. The time for talking is over – it's now time to let Torres do his talking on the pitch. Oh, hang on. Does that still count as talking? Hmm. Perhaps we should say the time for literal talking is over, but the time for metaphorical talking is about to begin. Literally. Or possibly metaphorically.

Personally I felt there was a lot to admire about Torres's comments post-move. It was brutally honest:

"The new owner, John Henry, has the right ambition to get things back to what they were, but they need time. Maybe they will need the time while I'm at my best age to play football. I explained my situation to them, my feelings, and was honest and face to face. But wWhen you have an opportunity to play for a team who have a chance of winning the Champions League and the Premier League, and you are the right age to do that and compete with the best, you can't say 'no'. To call me a 'traitor' makes no sense. I played three very good seasons there, and left them with massive money, scored lots of goals and put in good performances. I helped the sale process as well. But I have to think about my career, and this is a step forward."

Fair enough, that.

Agences de presses

Labels: Chelsea, Guardian, Liverpool